Dudley Dursley and the Killing
by Carolyn the Lovely Lynn
Summary: This is really funny! And they say Dudley is NOTHING like Harry! Hah!


  
****   
** DUDLEY DURSLEY AND THE KILLING**   
** (THEME: FOOD)**

* * *

"I will kill you!" the voice thundered in the dark, cold room. Dudley could see a figure in a chair which was turned away from him. A wand was pointed at a mystery person whom Dudley couldn't see. And then.....

Dudley woke up .He was sweating. Had it been a nightmare? But it seemed so vivid , so real. And his pig's tail was hurting. Dudley never told anyone this, but after his pig's tail had been removed by surgery, it grew back. His pig tail was the shape of a curly fry at his ass. Then Dudley went to Smeltings and discovered that he was a piggard.

Piggards are people who are able to consume large amounts of food and are rumoured to have more than one stomach.   
It was fun going to school with other piggards. Dudley examined his pig's tail, and then went back to bed. He   
remembered that he was starting his fourth year at Smeltings the next day. The last time that his tail had hurt was when he had come face to face with Pigdemort in his second year. The next day, his overprotective parents sent him to Smeltings by car. Piggards couldn't be bothered going on trains from platform 9 and 3 quarters.   


At the Smeltings entrance, Dudley met up with his two best friends, Hermayonnaise Gravy and Ron Pastry.   
He also met his arch enemy, Dough Maltsoy (whom, to Dudley's opinion greatly resembles an albino) and Crab and Oil.

Dudley sat down to the feast to watch the Rotting ceremony. For some reasons not entirely his fault, he had missed the Rotting ceremony since he got here except his own. At Smeltings, you were divided into houses based on how well you can tolerate abnormally awful, stinking, puking smell.

The four houses were Smelly, Melly, Elly and Ly.   
The founders of each house were Velly Smelly, Sur Melly, Diagon Elly and Stupid Ly.   
Dudley was in Smelly.   
The teachers were:

History of Mapig: Professor Tinns   
Transpiguration: Professor Mcgonnagold   
Bovination: Professor Treelawnbushes   
Charms: Professor Dimwit   
Lotions: Professor Severed Snake   
Burpology: Professor Shroud   
Defence Against The Dark Cuts: Professor Mad-Eye Foody

Dudley's favourite Professor was Severed Snake. However, he particularly disliked Professor Mcgonnagold because she always happened to favour a particular Melly student called Earn MacMillions without any apparent reason, according to Dudley. (She does, can anyone spot it?)

Other friends of Dudley, besides Ron Pastry and Hermayonnaise Gravy, from Smeltings were:   
Sharks Finn-igan   
Bean Thomas   
Grille Longrotten   
Justin Fish-Fingers   
Hannah Abalone (widely known around Smeltings that she was head over heels in love with Justin Fish-Fingers)   
and Lavender Brownies.

And they all intensely hated Dough Maltsoy and his gang, Crab and Oil. Although, there seemed to be some idiot who had taken a liking of Dough Maltsoy. Her name was Fancy Fuckingson. Dudley and Ron happened to hear a conversation of theirs the previous year:

"Fancy a fuck, Maltsoy?" said Fancy Fuckingson.

And the rest of the conversation is **CENSORED.**

Dudley was then chosen for the Tripiggard Tournament as one of his school's Smellion. The other Smellions were Fleur Applecore from Bambootons, Vendor Crumb from Dungstrang, and amazingly, another Smellion from Smeltings, that knuckle head, Cedric Celery.

So, anyhoots , everyone was in Professor Foody's class when a bunch of D-Mentos from Asscarrotbarn along with the   
Minister of Mapig, Horny-lius Fudge, Farty Crotch and the headmaster, Professor Alpus Bubotubermore came in.

"Where are you taking me? Not Asscarrotbarn!" Foody said, panicky.

"You have murdered him, that's where you belong!" exclaimed Fudge.

The D-Mentos were about to perform the D-Mentos' Piss on Foody when Bubotubermore ordered them to stop because he couldn't tolerate piss all over his school.

So, that nosy bastard, Severed Snake, who _just_ happened to be there whipped out a lotion to make Foody tell the truth. Vegetableserum.

Bubotubermore gave some to Foody. Then, he asked, "why did you kill him, Alacastor or a.k.a., PIGDEMORT?"

"Why? Why did I kill Babe? WHY? Because he was shaming us piggards. Going on cinemas, strutting around acting nice and sweet and _worse_, he looked anorexic! What was I to do, I the powerful Lord Pigdemort?" said Foody.

"Well then," said Bubotubermore, "why are you after Dudley Dursley?"

"After him? I couldn't care less about that Great-Good-waste-of-skin-with-a-mouthhole. _He's_ the one that's been after me. Been wanting my bar of Honeypukes' chocolate since day one, although I must say, that pigtail of his is mighty handsome!" said Foody, while eyeing the area around Dudley's ass.

Dudley grinned.

**THE BLOODY END**

* * *


End file.
